Considering the guidelines for writing and revising business messages provided in Chapters 5 and 6 of the textbook, evaluate the following sentences. How should each be revised so that it applies the principles of style discussed in the chapter?
1.The privileged juvenile was filled with abundant glee when her fashion mogul employer designated her as the contemporary representative of an ostentatious couture line. (Use simple language)
2. To stimulate sales, Apple is lowering prices substantially on its line of electronic items. Sometime soon, it will ship out to most of its stores various electronic accessories to hand out to select lucky customers as a promotion for the sale. (Use specific and concrete words)
3. Google is now taking applications for job positions at this point in time, in spite of the fact that they just laid off employees. (Eliminate wordy expressions)
4. You might try to find a few minutes to visit our gallery on your next visit to galleries in this area. (Revise to convey a confident tone)
5. We cannot issue a full refund at this time because you did not enclose a receipt or an authorized estimate. I’m sorry that we will have to delay your reimbursement. (Use positive language)
6. We have been providing affordable cleaning services to houses in the college town area for over a decade. (Stress the “you” attitude)
7. Company policy requires us to impose a 2% late charge when customers don’t pay their bills on time (Emphasize receiver benefits)
Source of the sentences included in this exercise: Newman, A. & Ober, S. (2013). Business communication: In person, in print, online (8th ed., p. 190). Mason, OH: South-Western, Cengage Learning.
