This draft is a big improvement on what I last saw. There are a few awkward moments that I chalk up to stretching to find a good phrase…these aren’t a big deal. Like “through challenging work and backbone…” or “famous subculture,” to name two examples from early on. Then, “birthday party”(?) on page 10? I would also say that it’s good to mention, as you do, that you are entering a conversation on the topic, though I’m not sure you have to mention a “vital synthesis.” That seems more like a response to the prompt rather than a specific idea. A big thing is having page numbers after quotations. Those are necessary. You do them sometimes, but not every time. We talked about them in class. Put the page numbers for each source quote in parenthesis after quotation marks. I also think, as of now, you are not explaining the quotes sufficiently. There are examples when a quote is dropped, and then the paragraph just ends. Look, for instance, towards the top of page 2, Winn’s definition. Bring the next short paragraph into the same paragraph as the quotation. There are a few spacing issues with your document. Look, for example, at the middle of page 4. Also, after some headings, there is no space between them and the next line. Italicize every film title. Example: page 5. Again, on 8. The biggest issue with the organization of your draft is that while the structure seems to make sense overall, you change direction in each section, so it seems a bit chaotic. Can you give more of a thesis early on about *what* your main idea re: Hollywood the American Dream is? Then, instead of just going from example to example, you can return in each section to that idea. Think more about building on your thoughts bit by bit rather than just changing direction without informing your reader what the significance of the new examples/texts are.
