PLEASE DO NOT CHANGE THE ESSAY JUST ADD 3 PAGES TO THE CURRENT ESSAY ATTACHED WITH THESE RECOMMENDATIONS
For the introductory line, I recommend creating a “hook,” or asking a question, or stating an interesting commentary about the efforts of farmers. Then, introduce the themes, and Natasha Bowens book. Because your essay will explore a broad range of topics and research, the introduction should also reach for these broad topics, rather than center only Bowens’ book.
Strong start on your thesis statement.
Critically, the thesis needs to stake a claim and assert an opinion, as well as provide reasoning as “impact.” By impact, I am referring to the ways that your essay can connect to your reader or audience and spur them to action. Your thesis states that these efforts are “important,” but the thesis would be more specific if you name why these efforts are important. What are the outcomes? To develop your thesis, Consider what we can learn as readers from the resistance and autonomy of the farmers we have read about.
What lesson can we take away? How can we apply this lesson in our own lives? Your answers to these questions will add claim and reasoning to your thesis.
A note on language: generally the phrase
“Black people, Indigenous people, and people of color” is currently used to respectfully represent these cultures or identities (although there is some critique of this phrase). The phrase “colored” was more common in the 1950’s-1980’s, but in many ways the term was used derogatorily by media and government. So, you might consider changing the language in your thesis to represent more current expressions.
Strong start to topic sentences. Be sure all topic sentences include an Inference, point, or claim. Your first body paragraph topic sentence begins with summary about what the portrait “depicts.” However, many of your However, many of your body paragraphs conclude with strong inference. In your revisions, aim to infuse your topic sentences with more of this claim, and remember that the topic sentences should connect back to the thesis statement and in this way also relate to each other.
What does the author want us to learn from this portrait?
Excellent start to research on national food security efforts. Please be sure to add examples from the Bay Area as well. Again, be sure these paragraphs begin with Inference and opinion, rather than fact. Close these paragraphs with your Explanation: what do these resources teach us? What do they mean for the future and our future possibilities?
*These references needs citations. Please include In-Text citations in the body of your essay, to show where facts, quotes and references come from, and please also add a works cited page to list the full name of the source.
You are a brilliant person and writer. A note on language: some sentences read as heavily academic or what is sometimes called
“inflated diction.” For example, in your first body paragraph, your sentence includes: “She poignantly articulates the prejudiced mindset to which she refuses to capitulate.” There’s nothing wrong with this sentence, the vocabulary is meaningful. However, when so much of the writing includes heavy academic terminology, it can sometimes be difficult for your reader to get a sense of your unique style or voice. So, it can be very effective to have varied sentence style and structure. For example, if some sentences are heavy with academic terminology, they can be paired with sentences that demonstrate more nuance or individual voice. Let me know if this makes sense, or if you would like to discuss it further.
IMPORTANT: For your Final Draft of Essay #2 (which will
also be counted as your Final Essay), you will be asked to incorporate my feedback here, as well as add 3 pages of research to your essay.
The prompt will have more information, but essentially this research will expand on Bay Area efforts (as well as national and international), resources, organizations and more that are working to create equitable access to food, land, housing and quality of life for Black people, Native people, immigrant people and and people of color. Also provide and counter argument on an article you choose
We have a Conclusions post to support your writing strategy for your conclusion. Again, consider how your readers can take this information and apply it to their lives. What is the call to action, or why should your readers care about your points? Driving these incentives home in the conclusion will strengthen your essay. Often, in University writing courses, this is called the “So What” factor. .
