One of the methods that clinical psychologists use for therapy comes out of the humanistic school of Carl Rogers. Rogers believed that if people were given unconditional positive regard they would self-actualize and become the best person that they could possibly be. This is a simplified version of his theory.
One of the techniques that Rogerian therapists use is a technique called reflection. It is a listening technique and works very well as an aid to communication. The main point is to listen intently to what the other person is telling you, and to reflect their feelings and thoughts. Tell them what you understood about their feelings. You may not tell stories of your own (this is not about you, but you will get your turn). Concentrate fully on what they are telling you.
You may not ask any questions about anything. Rogers believed that when we do that we are selfishly trying to fulfill our own curiosity about things and not allowing the communicator to say what they need to say. Often times in conversation, rather than listening to what the other person is saying, we focus instead on what we will say next. In this way, we compromise our ability to be fully present and available in the conversation.
Please spend 5 minutes with someone who is important in your life, with one of you being the communicator and the other being the reflector. When you are finished, switch places and communicate for another five minutes. When you are both done, reply to the following questions.
Did you feel heard differently when you were the communicator, than you feel in your typical conversations?
What did it feel like to be the center of someone’s full attention for 5 minutes?
Did you realize how unsatisfying some of your other communications have been?
When you were the listening reflector, were you more able to focus and really hear?
How do you think that these patterns might improve communication in your life outside of class?
