my ielts is 5 i am to get a 65
feedbck
Introduction – You have set the context and given a sense of how you are planning to develop your answer. I think a definition of ‘social construction’ and a more specific point about media might help here. You are planning to use Bandura (Social Learning) and Postman (Disappearance of Childhood) to frame your argument which seem appropriate. As a side note, there are several typing/spelling errors here so I’d suggest proof-reading this before the summative submission.
Social Learning Theory – Too many words are used here describing specific procedures/results in Bandura’s experiments without explicating linking them to the question (social construction of childhood).
The later points from Smith et al and Fitzpatrick are relevant but you need to link them more specifically to your argument. You refer to observation and imitation at the beginning. The theory here is not clear. You should try to introduce the theory first and then linked to examples from research.
Neil Postman theory – This is relevant but needs to be focused more specifically on the question. What is Postman’s core argument about the disappearance of childhood? How is this linked to media? What does this mean for childhood as a social construction? At present this section lacks coherence.
Conclusion – Again, I think coherence could be improved here by going back to the essay question. What is social construction of childhood? How does the media influence this? Of the theorists you introduce it seems Bandura is the only one you have a clear understanding of. Postman and Smith et al are currently a bit unclear in relation to the question.
Overall:
Overall you are tackling the question directly and attempting to connect relevant theories. However, the writing lacks coherence in parts due to overly long sentences. You need to link the theories (particularly Postman and Smith) to the question more directly. In addition, there are no examples or case studies used to illustrate the points you are making (application). In general, the summative draft would benefit from more concise and cohesive writing as well as more of a line of reasoning (linking each section back to your overall stance) throughout the response.
