My assignment is about a persuasive paper about how the U.S should approach the education system with a bilingual framework. I already have a final draft and I just need revisions to it just revisions to the body paragraphs. For body paragraph 1 these are the comments: Work on showing rather than telling. You need more specific detail about your personal experiences in order to make this information effective. For paragraph 2: It’s not clear how this information supports your position. For body paragraph 2 still (Kelly part): The info you have here is mostly summary of the article. Work on using specific information from the article to develop your position. For the conclusion of paragraph 2: Work on focusing on your argument. For paragraph 3(kelly part): It’s not clear how this info supports mandatory dual language education. Focus on how the education works. You can talk about the initiatives, but the focus of this paragraph should be on how dual-language works and why it should be mandatory. For parparagraph 3 again (Snow part): This info is pretty broad. Work on finding more specific info to support your position. For paragraph 3 (My experience): Work on showing rather than telling. Also you need to work on condensing the info from the authors and narrowing down the focus a bit more Those are only the revisions i need mosre on the 1st-3rd body paragraphs. I included all of the sources just search them online they will show.
