I will Submit the PdF below for you to edit.
You must submit a brief cover letter that accomplishes three tasks:
it identifies the particular feedback you intend to address,
directs your reader to evidence or location of the revision in your revised draft, and
explains how your revision addresses the feedback you received.
You should submit the revised draft, including substantial changes (not just proofreading or minor editing).
The feedback that was given.
I think you manage to offer some good advice to Franklin. In general, I think the main way you could improve this essay (and perhaps other writing you do) is by providing greater specificity. I’m going to focus my comments here on two areas: organization and evidence. First, I want to talk about your organization at the level of the paragraph. Your entire four-page paper is a single paragraph! We’ve talked in class about using the MEAL plan to organize a paragraph: including the ingredients of Main Claim, Evidence, Analysis, and a Link. But it’s impossible to follow that plan if you don’t break your writing up into paragraphs. There are two good reasons to use paragraphs: one concerns consideration for your reader (it’s just easier to read things that are divided up into sections). The other is that paragraphs require you a) to articulate main claims—which are, at the moment, deeply buried or disguised in your essay; and b) to pay careful attention to how your evidence and analysis support those claims. So we can move on to evidence. You spend a lot of time *telling* Franklin what Paine and Washington do in their writing, but you spend almost no time *showing* Franklin how they do it. So you’ve left Franklin with little evidence about *how* to achieve the same effects Paine and Washington do. This concerns evidence at two levels. One, you need more of it. What specific examples do you have *from the text*? You focus mostly on diction or word choice: What words do Paine and Washington use? Where? In what context? The second level of evidence is actually analysis. You should analyze the evidence in such a way that you show Franklin how the evidence you cite does what you say it does. If you decide to revise this paper later in the semester, I think paying attention to the two types of feedback I’ve offered above will make this a better paper!
