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I NEED SOMEONE TO REVISE MY ESSAY AND IMPROVE MY ESSAY WITH FEEDBACK MY TEACHER

April 9, 2024

I NEED SOMEONE TO REVISE MY ESSAY AND IMPROVE MY ESSAY WITH FEEDBACK MY TEACHER PROVIDED me to fix my essay . PLEASE OPEN “my final Essay # 2 with no comments” and then open and read “comments in the essay with feedback for revision” and “feedback on essay” to fix my essay 
It
is an argumentative/persuasive essay, meaning your essay must represent a specific
stance.  Your thesis must contain an argumentative edge
revision of essay 2, so you have another chance at improving
the essay.
The biggest area to focus on is organization.  There is a lot of repetition in the essay,
and instead, you need a better balance of ideas.  Figure out 3 reasons why you support the law,
devote 2-3 paragraphs for each reason, omit the repetition that appears, and
integrate sources that will provide evidence for your claims. 
So far you have Idea # 1: Harmful online content.  You need to add much more discussion and
sources to support that–right now, you have only a few sentences and then some
that appear later.  Idea # 2: Addictive
feature.  The discussion goes on for too
long–cut it down to 3 or so paragraphs, and make sure ideas do not
repeat.  Idea # 3 seems to be
misinformation and disinformation, and again the ideas are a bit scattered
throughout rather than concentrated in 2-3 focused paragraphs.
Also, work on source support and incorporating evidence that
support your ideas.
For now, you can incorporate the suggestions/edits I made in
the margin notes and start work on organizing your ideas.  

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