Hey Jane, here is my professor feed back on the memo proposal I have attach the first draft that you did.
Hi Suda, Thanks for submitting your draft proposal memo on improving ergonomics in the workplace.
As mentioned in the assignment guidelines, this particular assignment requires two drafts, so the comments below provide some feedback to use as you prepare the final draft:
In the Problem section, I’d recommend more fully developing details on the problem. For instance, you might provide more specific information on the improper desk settings and break schedules and the staff absences. Please do be careful with your claims, Suda. You make a number of specific claims on worker complaints (insufficient breaks, etc.) and their effects (lower output, more absences, etc.). Research isn’t required in the proposal assignment, but you will need to provide evidence on the problem in the report assignment. (To put that another way, you want to be careful to make claims that you know you’ll be able to support later. If you fail to do so, your reader may feel misled about the problem.)
The Secondary Research section may benefit from an additional paragraph on any organizational research that you will gather or conduct. This might include using existing organizational research (e.g., employee satisfaction surveys that express dissatisfaction with ergonomics, ergonomics studies if the company has done one, etc.) or conducting research (like interviews or surveys). For instance, you could even take photos of existing desk settings that are improper and explain the problems. (You won’t need organizational research in the literature review assignment as it’s based on secondary research, but consider what organizational research you might use to prove the problem in the report.)
In paragraph one of the Benefits section, consider using list form for the benefits which will break up the lengthy paragraph.
As an aside, it isn’t necessary to indent headings or paragraphs in a memo. Both can be left aligned. A line of space between paragraphs is enough to distinguish the paragraph.
As a final note, I’d just encourage a round of editing/proofreading. As an example, you can change the “your” in the headings to “my.”
Good work on your first draft, Suda. I think this was a great topic to select for the assignment, and it should be a fun one to research. The revised proposal should be turned in on/by June 18. If questions come up as you finish the proposal memo, please just write via IM or email. I’m looking forward to seeing your final proposal.
