Edit my paper with the comments my professor gave me which are: *Title Title is not bad. Try to integrate the concept/theorist you’re going to be working with in there too *Paragraph Length Mostly fine, some are a little short. Try to aim for 200 words per paragraph *Thesis Intro gives good exposition but your thesis is still vague. What cases will you analyze and what concept(s) will you integrate to make your argument? How specifically do you see productivity apps and surveillance influencing society? *Use of concept You’re working with a lot of different theorists and concepts from the course. While it’s good to see you thinking through each of them, the definitions you provide are a little general and the sheer amount you use makes it difficult for you to go much into depth. Try to narrow it down to 1 or 2 concepts you think will work best in your paper. Find quotes from their articles and work with them to get at the nuances of the concepts *Body Struct Paragraphs are logically organized with good transitions *Analysis You make some interesting points here but you’re working with way too many secondary sources from all over the place. This tends to obscure your own voice when you go to make claims about these productivity apps. I recommend you really narrow down the number of secondary sources you use in this paper to one or two and then find 1-3 concrete examples to perform your analysis. You could look at some commercials, influencer videos, news reports, or even your own observations from using these apps, for example. It may be helpful to look back at the structure of a paragraph activity we did earlier in the semester to help think about how to draw out your own interpretations of the cases *Conclusion Conclusion is not bad but mostly just restates what you said in your intro *Spelling Some grammatical mistakes, but no major issues *Citation Provide page numbers for quotes and when you paraphrase from other sources and timestamps for videos
I used to many sources so just use a max of two that I am going to provide and use a max of two outside sources. remove all the other sources.
if you have any questions just ask me
