A revision of my writing it is already done and needs to be revised. I will add below what she wants done to make the story/novel better than I made up.
While your short story “Eternity Love” is, on a certain level, well
written and clear, to me it feels more like an outline to a story or
novel than an actual story. It holds much potential, especially once the
idea of secrets is introduced, the idea that Sophie “was not like other
women, that she carried within her a power that she could not control,”
so I think you’ll have a lot to work with when you write your second
draft for revision/your portfolio.
There are many spots in the story you could develop/go further into,
some of which I’ve marked in the attached copy, but of course you should
develop the parts of the story that feel compelling or otherwise
interesting to you. Without this kind of development, the story feels to
me as though it has little depth.
Again, the story is fairly well written in terms of sentence
structure, grammar, and so on, but it also contains a fair number of
clichés, some of which I marked in the attached to give you an idea of
where I see this kind of writing happening. You also rely heavily on
what Francine Prose would call “stock gestures.” On page 209 of Reading Like a Writer,
Prose says that sentences containing stock gestures, while perhaps
adequate, “feel generic.” She goes on to write that “They are not
descriptions of an individual’s very particular response to a particular
event, but rather a shorthand for common psychic states.” Stock
gestures really tell us nothing about a character; they do no work in
developing characters. The reader may be told how a character feels, but
if that telling relies on clichés and stock gestures, we will know
little else, and there will be no depth behind them.
As a character, who is Sophie? The reader is told she has a “passion
for art.” Can you describe that passion, make it come alive (I’m also
curious what her drawings look like)? This is one way you might work to
characterize her. Since this passion lights “a fire within [Julien] that
he had never known before,” he obviously feels creatively connected to
Sophie. Is this one of the things that makes him fall in love with her?
If so, can you explore that aspect of the story as well? This would
characterize him more deeply too, and it would deepen the reader’s
understanding of their relationship. And, again, can you further explore
and expand upon Sophie’s secrets? Can they become a part of the story
in a fuller, more concrete way, which will also make them more
believable?
Additionally, you write that “They spent hours wandering the streets
of Paris, lost in conversation as they explored hidden alleyways and
secret gardens, their laughter mingling with the music of the city.”
What do they talk about? Even if you don’t wish to work with much
dialogue, you could still give some examples of the directions in which
their conversations go.
And, you could describe the setting, the city of Paris. What do the
alleyways and gardens and cafes look like? Without that kind of
description, it’s hard for the reader to feel that they can see the
world of the story, that they can see where it takes place, which in
turn makes it harder to feel immersed in the world of the story and the
story itself. And Paris is, of course, a very beautiful city.
Additionally, since there isn’t a lot of imagery in the story, we don’t
really know what your characters look like either.
As you revise, I would think about the “show, don’t tell” rule.
Almost all of your story is told to the reader rather than shown, which
also contributes to the, at times, shallow nature of it. There’s not a
lot for the reader to see and sink into. At times this draft feels like a
series of statements rather than an actual story.
Again, there’s a lot of potential here, especially in terms of
Sophie’s secrets and Julien’s processing of them, so you should have
much to explore and develop for your second draft.
I’ll stop here, but please let me know if you have any questions. Let
me know as well if you have trouble accessing my specific margin
comments in the attached copy. You may need to open Track Changes in
Word to view them.
I will send my story/novel its 5 page short story just needs revised some to make more sense and more details. please look at details to fix it she suggests and read all of this in details.
